I know, I know. It’s been a while. Quite a while. Almost 2 years since I’ve made it back on here to post anything. I’ve lost count on the number of drafts I started then stopped, got close to posting then would delete all together. Just didn’t have it in me to write or share online. The internal voice that dissuaded me grew stronger and the excuses mounted. Then as the length of time from my last post grew, the doubt set it in.
But the nagging voice telling me to get back to writing (“just write anything, anything at all”) was louder and more annoying. Because it was my own voice. Not the self doubting voice of my ego, which has it’s own nails-on-chalkboard sound that irritates me, but my own comforting voice telling me that I needed to get back to this to regain my confidence.
I’ll be honest and say that the reason for my withdrawal is so small and silly to me, but the mole hill grew into a mountain with me adding excuse after excuse to not write. It started with a comment from a ‘friend’ posted on here saying that the blog was ‘useless’. I took that one negative comment from someone I thought would be supportive and ran with it. It was like I doubted I’d ever gain any joy, comfort and (even scared to type this out loud) success from this blog. So that negative comment gave me an out. It was my safe victim hood exit strategy. “See, I knew I’d suck at this”, “Well there you go, proof I’m not going anywhere with this blog”. Self fulfilling prophecy.
I had dinner with a girlfriend a few weeks back and when she asked me why I hadn’t written a blog post in so long, I finally came clean and told her that this one negative comment just gutted me. I’d been telling people that I just wasn’t motivated, that I was busy or that I was working on something else. But I don’t know if it was the weight of it all, avoiding the real reason or just missing this creative release which let me open up to her. She was quite frank and asked me why I gave this one comment, from a supposed friend so much power over my happiness.
Silence. I had no answer. Really, I couldn’t explain or excuse it away now. She caught me. Why was I actively stunting my chance to find what makes me happy based on this external factor from someone who wasn’t even in my life? It’s crazy what we allow or disallow ourselves to do based on perception. I perceived that my creative outlet, my work to find my happiness was ‘useless’ because of this person’s judgement. Time truly is a great teacher and since that dinner with my friend, I’ve been able to drum up the courage to put words back on this screen and slowly get back to working on journey.
Maybe it’s the Christmas lights, the longer dark nights, the end of the year that brings out the reflective mood in us all. But let me use this season to shake off that heaviness of doubt and use the upcoming new year to wipe the slate. Give myself the chance to start fresh and wipe away the dust.
Here’s to focusing on the positive, basking in the gains and cultivating our own futures.